eNow Color Coded by Campaign and reordered for chronological convenience…
CHAMPIONS
*
Kurt: It’s a slow moving
Tornado. It’s just…not…moving…very fast.
Eli: It’s a slow-nado?
*
Farone: I’m actually taller than the Demon.
Travis: I doubt that.
Farone: What are you talking about? You’re like 5 foot 10. I’m 6-11.
Kurt: You’re 6-11?
Farone: I…I don’t know how tall I am.
*
Eli: Did you check the scrolls to
see if anything like this has ever happened before?
Kurt: Nothing’s ever happened
before.
*
Dave: Did I mention the Demon
that I saw?
Kurt: No.
Seems like that would have come up…
Todd: List of things that are
important: #1. Got a haircut. #2. Demon.
Kurt: Did the Demon hurt you?
Dave: No, he was busy paying
attention to the guy with the gun.
Kurt: …
Todd: #3. Guy
with gun.
-later-
Kurt: If something were going on
there would have been some kind of sign.
Dave: Like the giant dark slow
moving tornado outside?
Kurt: There’s a giant dark
tornado?
Todd: #4! Giant Dark Tornado!
*
Todd: These dice have pips on
them for showing body damage.
Kurt: You said ‘pips’.
Todd: They are pips.
Dave: They are pips.
Kurt: Well…I know.
*
Travis: Just let me carry you
then we can fly over to the other vortex.
Dave: Carry me? Your hands have big nasty bloody claws on
them!
Travis: It’s not my blood.
*
Farone: What is my “Offensive Rating”?
Todd: That’s just an arbitrary
number made by the program that did character sheets.
Dave: It’s not arbitrary.
Farone: Well what is it then?
Dave: OCV is your Offensive
Combat Value.
Farone: No, Offensive Rating.
Dave: Oh, that’s arbitrary.
*
Kurt: It’s 42 minus…
Todd: It’s 25.
Kurt: No, it’s
42 – 17.
Todd: 25.
Kurt: Dave, what is it?
Dave: 25.
Kurt: Right.
Todd: How come when Dave says it
it’s right, but when I say it you gotta ask Dave?
Kurt: Cause when I look at you I hear funny things and when I look at Dave I hear smart things.
*
CITY OF
*
Adam: Hey, I’m hard to see when
I’m invisible.
*
Adam: I like to burn them ‘til
they go to Jail.
*
Travis: Gather round for cheat
mode.
*
Dave: These guys can’t even hit
me. All I hear is “Whiff! Whiff!
Whiff!”
Todd: Yeah, that’s mostly me.
*
Farone: I really hate that
knocky-downy thing.
*
Todd: I’m starting to feel like
Swift Blade’s job is to clean up anything that doesn’t die in the initial
Hiroshima of AoE attacks.
*
Dave: Nazi’s in disguise…
Eli: With diamonds.
*
Eli: By the way Dave, nice train.
*
Todd: Hey, I found an Assembler
prince. Ooh,
and I went visible.
Eli: Yeah, me too.
Todd: Oh, this is bad.
Travis: Hey, invisibility’s about
to wear off…oh, never mind.
*
Adam: Every single one of my
attacks will turn into a “Death-For-Me” button.
*
Travis: How’d you die?
Adam: Well, I think I took more
damage than I had hitpoints. But I’m just guessing there…
*
Adam: That’s a lot of hurtage.
*
Dave: There’s a level one damned
here.
Farone: They make those?
Travis: He’s really more like a
darned.
*
Farone: Where the hell am I going?
Todd: Ask the ranger.
Eli: Head EAST!
Farone: West it is.
*
Travis: Ok. Go.
Dave. Sic’ em. Get em!
Todd: I think he went to the
bathroom.
Travis: Dammit.
*
Eli: If I stand in this laser will
it give me extra powers?
Adam: The power of having more
particles on your screen.
*
Adam: Dear God…
Dave: All I saw was thousands of numbers
flying over their heads.
Eli: I did so much damage I almost
crashed.
*
Adam & Eli (simultaneously): We’re Task Force Tornado ?!?
Adam: We need a better name. How bout Task Force…um…help me out here…
*
Dave: Oh, what’s Taldra doing over there?
Travis: Hey, I was minding my own
business.
Dave: Why do I not believe that?
Eli: Well, if by minding his own
business he means charming one of them and starting a fight…
*
Adam: I can’t see everyone when
they’re invisible.
*
Adam: This is totally like where
the Evil Elvis lives.
*
Adam: The global chat in this game
is just…hilarious. There’s a guy who
says, “Hey, any ninjas in
*
***
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (Todd’s Wed.
Night Campaign)
*
Farone: You’re so not a monk…
*
NPC: I know a wizard…
Janessa: Is it Mephisto?
Kurt: Stop talking in front of the
bad guy!
*
Farone: I give her some bracers.
Janessa: Are they magical?
Farone: Yes.
Janessa: Yay! I play with them.
*
NPC: My family should be ruling
this land!
Kurt: You smell like a yak.
Janessa: That was so random.
*
Dave: You stand for everything Pelor is against.
NPC: Oh-yada-yada-yada.
Janessa: Really!
Eli: Sorry cleric, even I’m puking
over here.
*
Eli: Ok, so we need to go to the
coast town.
James: As the ranger let me map out
a route.
Eli: Oh, God, we’re doomed.
*
DM: All the NPC’s
are staring at the cleric.
Janessa: (quietly to herself) Yes. Kill the cleric.
*
(Janessa
has a small spider on her arm)
Eli: (Drawing his greatsword) I’ll get it.
Janessa: No you’re not!
Don’t you freaking dare, you whore!
*
Janessa: What dagger are you selling?
Farone: The shiny one. You
don’t want it.
Dave: It’s all covered with gems…
Janessa: Oh, I so want it.
*
Eli: We were talking about that
like 5 minutes ago.
Janessa: I’m all covered with lag over here. Things take longer to get to me.
*
(The monk is running a drinking
game)
Farone: Take a drink for raising your voice to me!
Eli: F*ck you monk!
Farone: Oh, you said f*ck you.
You don’t have to take a drink.
Eli: Sweet. Ah I’ll drink anyway.
*
Dave: Mosley didn’t mention that he
would buy armor.
Farone: You didn’t tell him you had armor.
Dave: SHH!
*
Dave: I’m asking about magic.
Kurt: I can tell you about magic.
Farone: Sort of…
*
Farone: Is the rogue a magical beast?
DM: No.
Janessa: Pwned.
*
James: (Randomly leafing through a
rule book) Man, elves are freaking hot!
*
NPC Sailor: Do you have money?
Janessa: Oh, I have money.
NPC Sailor: How much?
Janessa: I don’t know.
NPC Sailor: You don’t know how much
money you have?
Janessa: Oh, I know…
*
NPC: I’ll give you some money if
you can make the wizard stop singing.
Janessa: Done. Mage, stop
singing! Or the stabbity
will commence.
*
Janessa: Hey, you got me a new dagger. Where is it?
Dave: What dagger?
Janessa: Oh, I don’t know. I
just *sensed* new loot on you.
*
James: I follow the chunky elf.
Janessa: Excuse me?
*
DM: What are you casting?
Kurt: Well, I was thinking Tenser’s floating-
Eli: Here’s an idea. KILL IT!
BURN IT! BLOW IT UP!!!
*
Janessa: I try to pick the lock with my magical thingies…
Farone: Breasts?
*
Janessa: (Examining a locked door) It’s
probably a spell. Can somebody check this
for spells?
*
Eli: Dude, you’re being all spooky.
Farone: I’m a monk.
*
James: There’s blood falling from
the sky, a house blew up, there’s zombies in the church basement…this town is
f*cked up, man, we should go. Let’s travel somewhere where it’s not raining
blood and do something there.
*
Janessa: (Looking at miniature zombies) They’re
cute. I wanna
be their friend.
*
Eli: We know our ranger can’t
track.
James: Wait! I’ll look.
Just let me look…I don’t see anything.
*
DM: Just like Janessa
you took 3 points of damage.
Janessa: Hey, I’m way the f*ck over here!
*
Janessa: I can’t tell if this door is trapped. Hey, cleric, be helpful and open this door.
*
(The elf nudges an NPC who appears
catatonic)
NPC: The on descend shall evil of night land, at near are signs of hexad this when hand.
Farone: Nudge him again, see if you can
get a different channel.
*
Kurt: There’s
just too many homoerotic references here today…
*
(Repeated line throughout the
campaign)
Janessa: Back off, cleric!
*
Eli: Let’s see, this plantation has
two dug up graves…a body hanging from a tree…and, hey, Bay Windows!
*
Kurt: We got Nok,
Bahzel, Telwyn-
Farone: It’s Bahzel.
Dave: That’s what he said. Bahzel.
Farone: Bahzel. Bahzel is a girls name.
*
Janessa: I got bit by a werewolf.
I don’t bamf anymore. I lycanthropy over there…
*
Dave: A book of evil rituals? Let’s burn it.
Kurt. Maybe it tells you how to stop the blood rain
from falling from the sky.
Dave: That would be in the book of
good rituals.
Kurt: How would you know? You always burn these…
*
Farone: Does he look like Luc?
DM: Yes.
Farone: Aww man, we just killed Marcel!
Dave: He was trying to kill us-
Farone: Actually, he did 30 points of damage to me. F*ck Marcel!
*
Janessa: I saved this town from a zombie!
Farone: She is a rogue.
She’s stealing the cleric’s credit.
*
Farone: Pelor is the God of the
Sun. He brings Light.
NPC: He sounds like a good deity.
Farone: He is.
Dave: You follow Pelor?
Farone: No.
*
DM: He tried to surprise you in a dark
stairway with a sword in his hand.
Janessa: Maybe he’s nice…
*
Janessa: My character weighs exactly 100 lbs.
Farone and Eli laugh.
*
Farone: How do you know he was a thief?
Kurt: He was dressed in black and
wearing a mask.
Farone: Oh, yeah, that makes him a thief.
Kurt: Ok, he was a swamp ninja.
*
DM: You can tell it’s the elf’s
blood.
Eli: How?
Farone: We’ve seen her blood so often that we recognize it.
DM: Plus you can tell it’s her
blood because it’s trying to steal stuff from the other blood around it…
*
DM: It’s filled with blades,
chains, spikes, leather straps…
Eli: Torture Equipment.
Dave: You recognized that awful
quick.
Eli: I’m a half-orc. They’re like marital aids.
*
Janessa: You can’t hear me.
Farone: Yes I can.
Janessa: You aren’t even here.
Farone: I’m in the hall.
Janessa: At the other end.
Farone: It’s a short hallway!
Janessa: Well…it’s round.
*
(Talking to the Gypsy)
Janessa: You and I are the same…What?!? Gypsies steal things…
(later
that day)
Janessa: Well, since she’s not a witch, and she doesn’t steal
things, which, by the way, is very disappointing…
*
Kurt: Who killed that last cleric?
Farone: Luck. And Dave.
*
DM: Where is all
this resting taking place?
Kurt: We need a camp.
Janessa: We can make a little cute camp right here.
*
Eli: Did anyone read the note?
Kurt: Yeah…the bodies are the
mayor-
Eli: Not that, the other note!
Janessa: Wow, tangents rule.
*
Janessa: One of us should sneak in.
Dave: Ok, I’ll do it.
Janessa: Hey! I have 8 in
move silently so suck it!
*
Farone: Are they armed?
DM: Vaguely…
*
(After pummeling a snakeman for 13 points of damage)
Farone: That’s how we do it in Monkville,
Bitch!
*
Farone: Is it flickering like a flame? Or not flickering like…not a flame.
*
Eli: Who is she talking to?
Farone: Her invisible Elf boyfriend.
*
Janessa: I’m huffing in the corner cause
he’s being a jerk.
*
Janessa: I was knocked unconscious, I woke up on an altar, I got
hit in the back, and you guys are bastards!
*
Farone: Did you open the middle chest?
Janessa: No, cause the cleric’s by it and
I don’t like him.
*
Janessa: I’m gonna go look at myself in
the mirror, cause I’m hot.
*
Eli: I’m thinking about ripping her
head off and drinking her like a coke.
Farone: Well, like a diet coke.
Janessa: No, remember, I’m medium plus.
*
Eli: I’m going to run around
banging pots and pans until someone comes to find us.
Farone: No he’s not. I
checked his character sheet. He doesn’t
have pots and pans.
*
Janessa: What? That’s funny right?
There’s someone upstairs wacking around?
<Everyone>: Um…the note says walking around.
Janessa: Oh.
*
Janessa: Where do I look up skills?
DM: See, this is why I handed you a
players handbook a minute ago. And now you’ve lost it!
Janessa: What? I don’t have it!
DM: This is what I’m saying.
*
Janessa: You’re pretty flamboyant with your money there.
Farone: Yeah. I’m a monk.
*
Farone: Before we leave I’m gonna go get
some of that fruit. I’m a monk. Monks love fruit.
*
Janessa: We’re waiting for scragglers.
DM: What the f*ck are scragglers?
Janessa: You know, like…drunk…people.
*
Farone: Since we’re stayling…er, staying…
Dave: Stayling?
Farone: Yes. To wait for scragglers.
*
Janessa: I’m gonna go sulk. I’m an elf.
I can do that.
*
Dave: Laws are good, but sometimes
the good of the people outweighs the law of the land.
Janessa: Oh, malarkey.
*
Eli: If we leave by another gate we
won’t even have to explain.
Dave: That was my point.
Janessa: Well, if anybody’s going to bluff, it should be me.
Everyone: …
*
Janessa: What is size?
DM: You’re an elf so put medium.
Farone: You’re kind of a fat elf so put medium plus.
*
Farone: Who’s Pelor?
DM: He’s the God of the Sun.
Eli: Who’s the father?
Janessa: Your momma.
*
Farone: This game’s never going to work because no one here has any personality.
Janessa: Hey, I have a 13!
*
*
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (Ben’s Thursday
night Campaign)
*
Travis: Is it 1-2-3-Go! Or is it
1-2-Go!
Toad: Are we going on 3 or on 4?
Calan: It’s 1-2-Go!
Travis: No that’s wrong. It’s 1-2-3-Go!
Toad: So on 4?
Calan: We’re counting the 3?
DM: What the hell are you guys
doing?
*
Travis: Let’s light them on
fire…
Toad: Yes, because the only
thing I can think of that’s worse than the skeleton standing up and kicking the sh*t out of me is the skeleton
standing up and kicking the sh*t out of me while he’s
on fire.
*
JD: Is your bee dead?
JD: You said Celestial Bee.
JD: Is your bee dead?
*
Travis: 5.
*
JD: How many first level spells
do I have with the bonus?
Travis: One more than you think
you have now.
JD: I don’t know how many I think
I have now…
*
JD: I got two words for you…Jaret!
*
JD: What did that guy do to
me? 5 points of
damage? He needs to hit the
weight pile. I can flex my muscles at
people and do 5 points of damage.
*
Travis: Invisibility’s an
illusion. Your brain tells you it’s not
there.
JD: What if you had sonar? Like a bat?
Travis: Then you could see it.
JD: So bats don’t have a brain?
*
(later)
Braandon: How much is 100 goats?
*
Toad: What’s the name of the
other thieves guild again?
JD: What are you, back to the
story?
*
JD: We got like 1000 gold pieces
sunk into this wagon…by the way, we fight to the death for this wagon.
*
JD: It’s probably best if I
don’t summon monkeys frivolously.
*
JD: You’re a rogue?
Travis: Be a rogue that can
actually do rogue stuff.
Hollis: What?
Travis: Like climbing and tumbling.
Toad: They’re mad because I
don’t climb or tumble.
Hollis: Ah.
JD: So be a good rogue.
Toad: If you want something to climb
and tumble summon your celestial monkey!
*
DM: How close are you getting?
JD: At what range did John get grabbed? Cause I’m going one foot shy of that.
*
*
JD: Quit asking about the wagon cause it just makes Ben roll dice. From now on it’s just assumed.
*
(JD hates an NPC, but doesn’t know his name, and thus has
dubbed him Lucien)
JD: I’m going to give up my hold Lucien spell, since we’re so far
away from town.
DM: What are you going to do if
you run into him?
Travis: He’s gonna
be like, “Wait! I need to rememorize a
spell! Hold Lucien!”
John: The dude’s gonna be like, “Who’s Lucien?”
JD: Then I’ll hit him in the
mouth with my hammer.
*
Travis: I Smash-ity!
(rolls)
Travis: …a 7.
JD: You miss-ity.
*
Calan: Do you have a plan?
JD: I have a plan.
Calan: Does it involve monkeys?
JD: Most likely.
*
John: Hey, how many of those can
you bring?
Calan: Well, I have 4 of them.
So I could bring…up to…4.
*
Todd: We’re not talking about
good vs. evil.
John: No, we’re talking about
law vs. chaos.
Todd: Piking
heads is against the law!
John: No its not.
Todd: Where the f*ck do you
live?
*
John: I put on the ring.
DM: You feel a little light on
your feet…
Hollis: Uh-oh…ring
of lifestyle change.
Todd: You are no longer a
straight cleric.
*
Hollis: That’s it? That’s all I can do?
Travis: Your first action is to
break the pin, your second action is to stand up.
Hollis: What about my third
action? To scream like
a b*tch?
Todd: You can take that as a
free action.
*
Travis: Why don’t we just kill
the boatman and take his job?
John: Yeah, that’s a great
idea. Hey, we see you need a new
boatman!
Todd: Yeah, the…uh…six of us…will
take that job.
John: Show us to your armory!
*
Hollis: If we rescue this guy
we’ll have made a powerful friend.
Eli: The guy that just got
overthrown?
Hollis: Yeah…
Eli: And we’re going to save him
from the guys that overthrew him?
Hollis: Yes.
Eli: By Definition that makes us
more powerful than him.
*
(After a long discussion about
the f*cked up way Travis keeps his experience points)
Todd: You should keep your xp like a normal person.
Eli: From now on I’m keeping all
my xp, dividing it by pi…
Ben: You should keep it in
Radians.
Todd: From now on I’m keeping
Pac-Man xp. I
need two cherries and an apple and I’ll be fifth level.
*
(While invading the seer castle)
Ben (DM): Oh, I bet they’re
completely harmless.
*
John: It’s a shame we have to
kill these guys. They’re worthy foes.
Todd: Uh…we invaded this tower,
so…
John: No, no. We’re on a rescue mission!
Todd: Is that what you’ve been
telling yourself?
*
Ben: Confusion’s terrible
because you have no control when that spell hits you.
Travis: Attack the nearest
creature…
Travis: Have random moments of
Lucidity. Basically, it turns you into a
woman.
*
Travis: How are we going to kill
these guys?
Ben: Use your
*
Eli: Did we not save him?
Group: Yeah!
Eli: Did we not bleed for him?
Group: Yeah!
Eli: Did we not die for him?
Group: Yeah!
Eli: And he gives us
nothing? I say we go give him some of
the stabbity!
*
Travis: See, it’s thinking like
that that causes cults to spring up…
*
JW: It takes 8 hours to identify
things. We’ll wait with him.
Todd: …says the magic user.
*
Travis: The good news is we’ll
get to ride in our wagon again.
Todd: Assuming no one stole it.
Travis: We’ve only been gone a
day and a half.
Todd: And surely it would take
weeks to steal that wagon, what with the wheels and the team of horses and all…
*
JW: Pelor
will protect us!
Eli: Great, you just pulled the
religion card.
DM: You’re a cleric!
Travis: Yes, but he’s a cleric
of a deity that isn’t stupid.
*
*
DUNGEONS
AND DRAGONS (Dina’s Campaign)
*
CH:
“What’s your name?”
M: “Buckeye.”
(rest of party simultaneously):”Buck.” “Buck!” “Buck.”
Jon: “Generally we call him ‘How
the hell did you miss from that range?’”
*
Toad:
“How did you survive?”
Jon: “He said ‘Leave or die.’
Then we said <pause> nothing. And
then he left.”
*
Jon:
(After the ranger took off through the forest without us.) “I’m gonna fall in a hole.”
*
Jon:
“How do you like your shield?”
Buck: “Medium.”
*
Toad: “The is
the most brilliant plan we’ve ever come up with to capture a cult. We’ll steal all their candles then open a
candle shop and arrest them when they come in.”
*
Jon: “He’s like Mulder over here, touching everything. ‘Ooh, I don’t know what this is…WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!’”
*
*
DUNGEONS
AND DRAGONS (Todd’s old school Spicewood Springs Campaign)
*
Monté: (after
rolling a critical and killing an evil priest in one hit) Pray now B*TCH!
*
Monté: (Talking to John’s Monk) Why don’t you take a vow of
silence and shut the f*ck up.
*
Monté: (Eyeing his familiar after failing a lockpick role) …I shove my falcon through the keyhole.
*
Toad: “You’re being attacked by
the men of Yen-thil Tanaka.”
AC: “What the hell is Yen-thil Tanaka?”
Monté: “It’s the number six entrée at Twin Lion.”
*
Toad: “Is the paladin done
learning how to start his own business?”
Hal: “I cast Investment Capital!”
*
*
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (Anthony’s
House Sunday Afternoon Campaign)
*
(While Kim Rolls her dice
surreptitiously at the table)
Farone: You’re rolling
out all the good rolls.
Jeff: Then it’s going to be
empty and you’re going to have to buy new dice.
*
DM:
(as an NPC): I can’t tell you anything consciously…
AC: Let’s knock him out!
Jeff: He’s still being
uncooperative.
*
DM: You can’t see him. He’s hidden.
Farone: Where the F*ck did the orc go?
AC: I’m a Half-orc.
Jeff: Who the F*ck said that!?!
*
Kim: What happened to the monk that was with us?
AC: I accidentally killed him.
Farone: But he had the letter we needed!
AC: Oh, I took that.
Jeff: So you accidentally killed
and looted him…
*
Farone: He thinks he has a deity.
AC: Don’t you have a deity?
Farone: Yes, but mine’s real.
*
DM: He’s ignoring you.
Farone: That’s the worst painting of the moon I’ve ever seen!
Jeff: Oh, yeah, that’ll
work. Let’s heckle him. “Hey, you suck!”
*
Farone: This
area is the same as the other area, only compressed into a smaller area…
*
Farone: Can you
describe the guy that summoned you?
Demon: He was tall.
Farone: Did he have the head of a collie?
Demon: Er…
Jeff: Yeah, he remembered the
guy was tall but forgot he had a dog’s head.
*
Farone: We’re badasses, we should just attack everyone in this town. Unless they’re all badasses too.
In which case we won’t.
AC: No, it’s ok, I’m 3rd
level.
Farone. Yeah. And um…I’m 3rd level too.
<pause>
Jeff: So we’re attacking the
city then?
*
DM (as a sage): Well, you’re a
Halfling. I haven’t seen a Halfling in
ages. And you’ve obviously got some orc
blood in you…
Jeff: Well, since he’s in the
mood to identify things…
*
*